Wednesday, December 11, 2002
The Fake Story of Little Red Riding Hood
Part 4

Grand-ma was sitting by her fireplace when the knock came at her door.
It had been perhaps an hour since the last occurence in this story, and, in this time, "Grand-ma" had recieved a certain visit from a couple of men in white coats. Now, Grand-ma's mother had died screaming beware the men in white coats, and grand-ma's mother's mother, and so forth, but, as things go, that is unimportant. What does matter, is that two strange men wearing oversized badges arrived at her house, asked if she would mind looking after a very adorable dog pup, handed it to her, and left.
Now, it was about 30 minutes after this that the knock came.
SHe glanced out her window.
"Dear god," She whispered...it was her Grand-daughter, and, judging by the "Basket" she was caring, sporting a low quality fund-raiser for her school (where they learned upon such interesting subjects such as "Wolves" "Wandering through the forest" and "Milking grand-ma and mother for all it's worth"). Granted, her grand-daughter looked a little distraught...she had developed another one of htose big O's in her forehead, the ones that she got whenever she took flight in the night and headed out towards the village. But, as all spawns of satan will, it would heal itself. However...Grand-ma's wallet would not. Abandoning the puppy (Who had just been fed and was looking rather plump) she dove for the window, opened it, and hurled herself out. She then fled into the forest, where she figured she would hide out for a good hour or so.

The Fake Story of Little Red Riding Hood
Part 3

At this point, the Girl took out the greek fire she carried for killing grandma and her getting her will----err...umm...greek fire she carried for "Protection", and turned it towards the small puppy.
Her wrist twitched with the effort (this is why we eat our vegetables) of turning the small vial...
The bullet punctured her forehead with the sound of a water bed swallowing two children. (Something along the lines of SLURRRRP, jiggle, jiggle)
Two men in white coats walked into the forest, one with a sniper rifle swung across his shoulder, the other carrying a walkie-talkie. Each whte suit displayed a badge illegible to all but those with 10/10 vision or above, as the badge was actually 3-4 times the size of them.
So, as I was saying, two men in white coats waddled out into the forest, and stopped next to the little girl. Just as they did, however, another strange man ran out of the trees; He was dressed in badly matched clothing, had a complexion of one who had never seen the sun, and, if he were not 6 ft tall, one could have mistaken him easily for a two year old.
He was clearly the author.
"WHAT the HELL do you're think your doing?" The author screamed, running up to the two men.
One of hte men flipped open his top pocket on his...err...badge, and, after a good five minutes of attempts at grabbing it, pulled out a black wallet. He let it swing open.
"Animal Protection Agency," The man stated.
The author stared at the badge's picture.
"That's a cheese sculpture that looks extremely familar to Idoha, surrounded by vikings, all of whom are being attacked by a man in a red sweater riding an unmilked cow, who, if I read the cartoon bubble correctly, is screaming..."Death to pillows, death to pillows." He said.
The Man very slowly folded the wallet back up and placed it back in his pocket.
"Err...wrong wallet," he said, as his friend slowly slid a few feet to the left.
"Oh for the love of the god," The man with the sniper rifle exclaimed, and took out his own wallet. He flipped it open, and 500 hundred packets of hte most addictive drugs man has ever known rolled out, nearly touching the ground.
"Ok, I admit this looks pretty bad..." he began...
"Look, I don't care who you are!" the author screamed, "YOU just killed my main character!"
"I'm sorry sir, but we got word that this girl and a man going by the alias of the the woodsman (Until Liam can remember what they really called him in the story) were planning a conspiracy to brutually murder this wolf." The man pointed to the small puppy scratching at it's ears, "We had already dealt with the Woodsman, and now, our job here is done."
The author looked like he was about to say something when one of those things yo udon't see every day happened.
The little girl's head rotated on it's shoulders, as her arms and legs stiffened, and snapped backwards at the joints, so as they supported her body like a hideous red crab girl. She then, foaming at the mouth, pronounced in a satanic voice, "Those who trust in herbal remedies will meet a dark fate by the hand of satan!" And, at a suprising speed, scuttled off into the forest.
There was silence for a moment, before one of the white suited men said the only thing one could say at this point, "Damn, the one day I forget to bring my camera..."
"Well...that was unexpected," The author said, and the three of them stared off into the dark trees of the forest, wondering what the hell they were all doing there again.