::Human::
STORY: THE POLITICALLY CORRECT GINGERBREAD PERSON ----- RULES: MAKE JOKES ABOUT POLLITICAL CORRECTNESS, THE END IS NOT TO BE REVEALED BY ANONE OTHER THAN THE ONE WRITING THE FINAL POST. ----- LENGTH: 7+
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Smoke Twines: The Fairy Tales
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Monday, March 10, 2003
The Politically Correct Gingerbread Person
Part 4
The mayor awoke with a startled yell.
The nurse beside him instantly burst into tears as all the memories associate with the sound of a dog being hit by a car flooded her mind, but quickly calmed herself as she began to realize his growing uneasiness (The shifting of his facial features was far worse than his voice could ever be).
The woman had been struggling to decide whether an over-sized bean-bag was dead or alive just as he made this horrific noise, and this cleared her descision for her. OBVIOUSLY, you had to consider what the patient REALLY WAS. Hence, he couldn't be dead, as a bean-bag is a THING, which all her medical knowledge stated should mean it was never alive in the first place (Unless you count the spoon that ate her father, but that's a different story). Then, the bean-bag began to speak.
"Gee golly, I be aliverier than a big radiated wad of mama's cookin!"
"Oh god, it's gonna be one of those nights," SHe whispered, already reaching into her purse for the socket wrench and nose-hair clippers, when suddenly a thought struck her.
"HEY, your a PERSON!" She exclaimed, and simultaneously achieved hte next level in internship.
"That's not what the police thin---I mean, yes, yes I am," The man, his eyes slowly shifting back into perspective, met the nurses own. After the successive convulsions, she rose herself back up from the floor, reminding herself of the old tale her mother had used to sing to her late at night, when she came home from God's Drinkin' Fountain, which stated that no matter how fat he was, all htat mattered was whether it corresponded to his wallet. She said that's how you "Made the big moves" in life, such as buying a run-down slum and having 3 illegitimate children. Mary only hoped to live up to her mother's status.
"Excuse me, Ma'am, but while I'm still in control, would you mind explaining what has happened here?" THe man's eye-brows rose. Thank god for Bed-Pans. After Mary had disposed of her past lunch, she turned to the 2-3' post it notes covered in darkly-etched squiggles, glued to the wall next the Man's bed.
"Well...judging by your X-Ray's, I'd say that this is your intestine."
"Umm...that's the bed post."
"OHHHH!!! GEEZE!!! Silly me, I always get those two mixed up!"
"Uh-huh...look, before my intelligent side is consumed by the "oh so classy" and democratic half, coudl you---"
"Wait...you mean...2 people in one body...you're...you're..."
"Yes, yes I am."
"GEORGE BUSH!!!! OH, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET YOU!!"
"Umm...no...did you say this was a hospital?"
"AHHHH WHERE AM I??!!!!"
"No, no, no, oh for the love of god, this is what grand-pa warned about right before they pressed the button which made all his machine things stop and made him not awake anymore."
"No, no, I'm sorry Sir, you see, sometimes, as you can imagine, the old noggin' needs some of the "Juice" to get it goin' again. As soon as I find a syringe and some glue I should be ok."
The man felt his other self rustle within him like a frying sausage, and slowly struggled to sit upwards.
The woman lowered the 12-gauge to his face, "I'd appreciate it if you never moved again."
The man slowly returned to his pillow.
"OK!!! Judging by this diagram," The woman motioned towards a small picture of two wolverines biting at eachother's neck, with a caption beneath stating: My Pretty Puppies, by Cindy Lu, "I'd say that your...yes, yes, definitely have some sort of disease."
"Is that chart completely accurate?" The man asked, reaching for the knife.
"EXCUSE ME!? Do yo unot see this Stamp of Approval?" The woman screeched, directing towards the yellow sticker towards the top which stated, 'The Baby did a Good Job Today!', "I DON'T THINK YOU'RE IN ANY POSITION TO QUESTION MY ABILITIES, MISTER!!!!!"
THe man, after realizing that no matter how many times he sliced his area-code worthy wrist, he would never actually reach the veins, sighed and slumped against his pillow. The Mayor's life had always been like this; he was forced to succumb to the...(he shivered, causing the nurse to pass out), "Citizen-Level" Mayor that the political parties had forced upon him. He was the perfect Political device, bent on carrying the deeds of both the Republican and Democratic party into the White-House. Within him rested two seperate people (What the, hey, how the hell, what in the name of AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NO PLEASE NO AHHH AHAAAA!!!...The author would like to take this moment to state that he will from this point forwards refrain from any intimation towards the Mayor's size). One, a conniving, soulless, hatefilled human being (though repetitive, also known as a Republican), and also, a man who accidentally ate the cat for breakfast, the citizen centered, dim-witted, food-swilling democrat. Only "The Party" was capable of sliding him between the two personas, and used each to cut through society like hot butter through a really rusty knife (like the one's grand-ma makes you eat with). As he climbed the political ladder, the republican status dealing with the common political events of the day such as speaking, debating, murder, the Democrat seeked out the largest percentage of hte population, and, as a result, took to the pubs! IT was the perfect scheme. Soon, both Party's would combine upon the presidency, and have total control world-wide. OH, sure, there was the LITTLE problem of the whole "Constitution", but nothing ever stood in their way (As a small boy named Jimmy who has a Skate-board for a leg could tell).
However, between the Democrats extremely indulgence, and the Republican's stress, it was steadily realized that the Mayor's heart, if it was still working, might not for long.
Suddenly, a twitching sense in his cheek. Oh god, not now, he thought as he felt the unsatiated hunger rise up within his (numerous) guts, and watched as the intelligence within his eyes was replaced by something he thought looked distinctly like wiper fluid. NOT NOW!!!!!!
3 seconds later, the Nurse glanced towards him, and met the face of that which represented humanity.
"HEYDIDDLY EY, did you knows I remembers this time I had these great little things called feet? Yep, I used to use dem' all the times on grand-pa, thats why they had to take him under the blanket so he could take his big nap! That's when Mommy said she was oing to get the cleanin' fluid and the syringe! We found her sleepin' in the bathtub! I didn't know people could sleep with their eyes open! Daddy said now her outsides and insides were soapy clean!"
Suddenly, the door opened.
And with that, Mr. Nickson, who worked at the Power-plant down the street, had no family but his own company, and was simply trying to find his way to that perverbial cheese of life called death, entered his bed-room.
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